


DaveKat HQ

by Seekingtheoblivion



Category: Homestuck
Genre: :), Crack, HQ app, Karkat and Dave are the hosts of HQ, M/M, also dave is not that good either, hahahaha oh man, hq, it is terrible and hilarious, karkat is a bad host but he makes me laugh so theres that, trivia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-29
Updated: 2018-04-04
Packaged: 2019-04-14 08:15:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,504
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14131926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Seekingtheoblivion/pseuds/Seekingtheoblivion
Summary: Karkat and Dave are the hosts of the HQ trivia app. It is straight up as ridiculous as it sounds. :)





	1. Karkat: I'm doing what now??

**Author's Note:**

> Alright, so if you haven't played HQ, it is a trivia gameshow app that comes on at certain times and you can win $$ if you get all of the answers right. I, of course, never have because I have no knowledge of the outside world and a crappy internet connection. But mostly because I suck at trivia. Still, it is pretty fun to play and it made my goblin brain have this idea even though I am already working on another fic. I legit ripped the questions in the fic from a past game, sorry HQ.

Today’s host of HQ drags his hand down his face and groans. “Ugh. So. This is HQ. Obviously. You downloaded the app and opened it with your gross, stubby fingers. If you are like me, you are wondering why you are faced with my horrid, grimacing visage instead of your usual host,” At this point the current host sneers in contempt. “Strider.”

He huffs, blowing dark, curly hair out of his face. ”Well, he’s busy, I guess. Too busy to do his fucking job, so you are stuck with me. Anyways, my name is Karkat Vantas and welcome to my own personal hell.” He rubs his face again, and when he looks up at the camera, it is with renewed determination. “If today is your first day, lucky you for getting the objectively better host. But the way it goes is this. 12 questions, 10 seconds each. If you get them all right, you win our prize. Today’s prize is for $5,000 dollars and if you can manage to keep your puerile repartee in the chat to a minimum you might just snag yourself a part of it.”

“Speaking of…. Jesus no, Kaitlyn, Samuel, Hannah and TEREZI, I AM NOT fucking calling you HQties, like Strider always does. I have some fucking pride!” He looks off camera, gesturing expansively. “What, I can’t say fuck? How do you expect me to do this?” He pauses, listening to something the camera can’t hear. “Damnit, fine!”

Karkat visibly reads from a prompter and grimaces. “Well this is going to be much more difficult than I imagined. I would like to apologize to Mrs. Atkin’s night school class for all of the profanity. Well, some of it at least. I mean, you have Strider as your normal host, so you have to have the bar set pretty damn low when it comes to expletives.”

“To all 800 thousand of you who decided to wade through that knee-high swamp of effusive and absurd introductory nonsense, I will do you a solid, cut the rest of my bullshit and get started. 

“Question One. Which of these gadgets is designed for you to wake up? Nose trimmer, Shake weight, or Alarm clock?” A timer ticks down the seconds as Karkat speaks.

He raises an eyebrow. “While they all could wake you up in different, disturbing methods, only one of them is actually designed to. The Alarm clock. My deepest condolences to those of you who wake up with either of the other choices.”

“Moving on to Question two. In the 1952 musical, Gene Kelly was “Singin’ in the” what? Drive-thru, Rain, or Rocky Mountains?” Karkat just kind of stares at the camera for a moment while the timer ticks by. “I mean, I know most of us have heard of this song. “Singin’ in the Rain”. But has anyone actually listened to it? I know I sure as fuck, fuck! I mean, sure as hell haven’t. Whatever. Let’s go to Question three.”

“In which of these games do you yell the game’s name when you win? Bingo, Checkers, or Chess? My friends would tell you that all of the answers are right, but only one of them is actually correct, and that answer is Chess. Hah, could you imagine? Sorry people who chose chess, it’s actually Bingo.” Karkat looks off camera again. “What, I waited until the timer was up AND I apologized. Fine, damn. I won’t do it again.”

He looks back into the camera, rolling his eyes. “To make it as clear as if you shit your white pants on the first day of school and that’s why all the kids call you shitmonster, the answer is Bingo.” Karkat glares off camera again. “Of course that made sense, YOU don’t make sense!” He pauses. “And I’ll stop talking to you when you stop interrupting me!”

Karkat rakes his hands through his hair. “OH MY GOD. Okay. Question four. What is the name of the artistic logo renderings that appear on the Google’s homepage? Google Dudez, Google Doodles, and Google Doodads? The first one of these was a burning stick man figure way back in 1998. Jesus, Google has been around for 20 years? I need to reevaluate my life.” Karkat frowns then shrugs and continues. “But as a stickman is indicative of, it is indeed a doodle. A Google Doodle.”

“We are on to question five now. No, not fifty, even though I feel like I’ve been here that long, _five_.” He shakes his head. “In which of these places do brides traditionally get temporary tattoos of grooms’ initials? India, Mongolia, or New Zealand? Now listen up shitstains, these ‘tattoos’ are made by henna paste applied to the skin and are included in a form of body art called mehndi popular in India. It is very intricate and beautiful.” Karkat pauses and sighs wistfully, his mouth slightly turned up at the corners. It doesn’t take long, however for him to move on.

“Question six. In a standard deck of playing cards, which king is holding an axe and facing sideways? King of Diamonds, King of Hearts, or King of Clubs? Don’t pale before this question even though it is tough, because there is no pity. Choose your answer allegiance wisely, as this is a savage fucking question. The answer is King of Diamonds. Holy shit, yeah that was savage, just less than 300,000 left of you and we are only halfway through.”

“Question seven. When used in cookbooks, maceration typically means doing what to food? Slicing it, searing it, or softening it? Okay, you shitheads you got through that last one, you can get through this one too. Think about fancy recipes you’ve had.” Karkat’s eyebrows are raised and he gestures earnestly. He seems more invested in the people who are left now. “Like with berries, how they are steeped in sugar and Grand Marnier?” He sighs at the timer. “I’ve given you enough hints. The answer is softening it.”

“And man, some of you still got out. I get it, I make terrible choices under pressure and a time limit. How do you think I ended up here? For you stubborn barnacles who are left, clinging to your correct answers like the side of a particularly smelly boat, let’s go to question eight. Which women’s basketball team saw its record 111-game win streak snap in 2017? Tennessee University, LSU, UConn? I’ll let you in on a little factoid, I know fuckall about sports, so if I wasn’t reading this off a prompter, you’d definitely beat me. Strider doesn’t know anything either, so if you ever meet him, please please please, ask him to explain the rules of, hell. Any sport. The first time I heard him try to explain basketball to a girl I laughed so hard I almost pissed myself. The look on that girl’s face.” Karkat snickers to himself and wipes away a fake tear. “Okay, okay. The answer by the way is UConn.”

“That question knocked us down to 150k left. There are 4 more questions. Let’s see how many of you can hack this next question. Question nine. In which of these movies does the bootstrap paradox play a key role? 12 Monkeys, Alien, or Gravity? The bootstrap paradox is a thing where things can exist without being created due to a loop in time. I know, makes as much sense as foot flavored cotton candy to me, too. However, the only movie here that has to do with time travel in this list is 12 Monkeys, which is your answer. We are down to 60k with that question! And yet, 550,000 of you are still watching. Go home, log off! The shit has already hit the fan for you and is already spraying wildly around your house in a never ending diarrhea shower, and you just sit and watch!” Karkat raises his hands and waves them around emphatically, his face a pantomime of horror.

“You know what? The sooner we do these questions, the sooner I can go home and pretend this never happened. Question 10. Which of these Robin Williams characters is a real person? Daniel Hillard, Patch Adams, or T.S. Garp?” Karkat raises an eyebrow at the camera. “Oh come on, shit-for-brains. This one isn’t even hard! If you have even a basic grasp of cinema you’d know this one. Remember the doctor who cheered up his patients by clowning around? That’s right, geniuses, its Patch Adams. Was a real dude. And 53k still in the game, glad to see you have something rattling around in those skulls of yours.”

“Moving on. Question 11. Which of these clothing companies went public first? Hermès, Hugo Boss, or Ralph Lauren? Kanaya, are you proud that I pronounced Hermès correctly? Because I’m proud of me. Unfortunately, it isn’t the correct answer. Hermès went public in 1993, Ralph Lauren, 1997. Hugo Boss launched in 1985, which makes IT the right answer. And that, mothers and fuckers, was another savage goddamn question. We are down to 9k. One more question, and that shit is it.”

“Okay you veritable trivia tardigrades, withstanding the blistering heat of question after savage question, are you ready for the,” Karkat fixes the camera with an intense glare. “Final. Fucking. Question?”

He eases off and stands back. “You better be, because here it is, served to you on a shining platter, hot and steaming, just waiting to be devoured by your eager ministrations.”

His attention is drawn briefly off camera. “What? Don’t make it fucking weird. You’re making it fucking weird! Ugh! Whatever.” He turns back. “The final question. The host of the first season of “Top Chef” was once married to whom? Bobby Flay, Billy Joel, or Salman Rushdie? The later seasons of “Top Chef” have had a different host, Padma Lakshmi, who was married to Salman Rushdie. However, the first season’s host, Katie Lee, used to be married to none other than Billy Joel. For 718 of you, reading _People_ magazine religiously for the past 15 years has finally paid off. $6.96 will be added to your Paypal accounts. You can use that whopping amount to make yourself sick on the McDonald’s dollar menu. Or shove it down your throat and shit pennies for weeks, hell if I care. HQ is on everyday at 9pm and every weekday at 3pm. Your usual host should be back tomorrow at those times. May the stars align so we never have to see each other again.


	2. Dave's Turn

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Back to our regular scheduled programming :)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for your comments/kudos/reads! I didn't know if anyone would even touch this fic but I am psyched that you guys enjoy it because I am having so much fun writing it! You rock my socks!!
> 
> oh, and I totally ripped the questions from another HQ game again. That's basically what I'm gonna do for this fic, lol.

Today’s host stands confidently in front of the camera. A pair of aviator shades and a cocky grin adorn his face. “Welcome back to HQ my bold and worldly beauties. I know you missed me and my hot and smokin’ booty. I am back here tonight to do my civic duty, I am super psyched my hella fine HQties. I know the situation last night kinda sucked. You had to deal with Karkat and let’s be real, his fine ass can go be fucked.” The cocky grin slides into a look more akin to embarrassed horror. “I mean, not by me. Shit, that’s not what I meant. Well, damn now my sick beats are derailed and everyone behind camera is rolling their eyes at me. NOT that I’m going to actually argue with them like Karkat, and yes, I did watch that video. Thank you Youtube and the 2.5 million views. Since last night. Shit. Dude may be crazy but he is entertaining as all hell. Those rants were as raw and unfiltered as Big Bertha’s Bee’s honey at last Sunday’s farmers market. And just as tasty. Damn.” The host shakes his head slowly, as if in admiration. 

“But as dick licking good as those were…finger licking. That’s what I said. Obviously. Right.” The host’s face turns bright red and struggles to maintain an air of cool superiority. “You get me today, the host with the most, with the good looks to boast, Dave Strider.“

“You get 12 questions and 10 seconds to throw down an answer each question. They start off easier, then get progressively more difficult. If you get them all correct, you win a slice of tonight’s pie, which is 5,000 big ones. We’ve got 1.2 million players tonight so you are going to have to bring your game if you want your slice. And it is a delicious ooey, gooey slice of warm apple pie that your grandma just baked for you with extra special love that’ll slide down nice and easy, but only if you answer these 12 questions first. Your grandma is a brutal taskmaster.” Dave twists his mouth and shrugs, as if to say ‘thems the breaks’.

“Happy bday to Aaron, Esperanza, Anna, Max, Jamie, Sarahi, Abdullahi, and John. I hope you win and still have someone else buy you dinner. Alright HQties, put on your thinking caps and get your fingers ready to tap, ‘cause we’re finally gonna get started.” 

Dave squares his shoulders. “Question one. Snorkelers in the water are most likely to wear what on their feet? Clown shoes, Stiletto heels, or Swim fins? Clown shoes will help you terrify anyone you see, in or out of water, but swim fins are the only ones that will propel you through the water, making them the correct answer.”

“Question two. A classic Shakespearean play details the love between Romeo and who? Juliet, Jessica Simpson, or Ms. Jackson?” Dave pauses for a moment, letting the timer run out. “While I would absolutely watch the shit out of Romeo and Jessica Simpson, the actual shitshow love story was Romeo and Juliet, which is your answer. Though Romeo and Mercutio was actually where the story was at, anyone can tell you.” He nods as if to punctuate his point.

“Yo, time for question three. The notion that “Anything that can go wrong will go wrong” is popularly known as what? Peter principle, Murphy’s Law, or Cider House Rule? This notion is named after American Aerospace engineer, Edward Murphy, hence the name, Murphy’s Law. My sister would tell you that it would apply to any single conversation where I am given room to talk for half a second, but what does she know?”

Dave runs a hand through his hair. “I mean, just because I have a habit of making some conversational boners does not mean I have a problem. Maybe YOU are the one who needs to see a therapist about how much you actually like dick!”

Dave reddens, then coughs.

“Moving on. Question four. What basketball term derives from a French phrase that circus acrobats used to shout? Alley-oop, Slam dunk, Air ball. In the 1800s, French acrobats would cry Allez-hop before leaping, giving lead to today’s phrase. I think you have to jump before getting the ball past the goalie, maybe do some sweet kicks. I’m pretty sure. Yeah, that sounds about right.”

Question five. The holiday of Passover commemorates the events that took place in which ancient civilization? Egypt, Babylonia, or Macedonia? Passover is the major Jewish spring festival that commemorates the liberation of the Israelites from Egyptian slavery, lasting either seven or eight days from the 15th day of Nisan. That makes Egypt the correct answer. If you didn’t know this one, ya’ll should’ve watched either that one Rugrats special OR the Lambchop show. They coulda jump started an education.” He shakes his head. “Missing out. Also, we are down to 540,000 or so.”

“To those of you truckin’ along, question six. Which of these figures was known for wearing a Mackintosh? Steve Jobs, Inspector Gadget, or Johnny Appleseed?” After waiting for the timer to tick to the end, Dave whistles the theme song to Inspector Gadget. “That’s right folks. If you guessed our favorite flasher lookin’ cartoon detective, then you guessed right. Inspector Gadget is the answer for this since a mackintosh, with a k, is the long trench coat he wears. Oooh and now we are down to 438,000 but over 1 mil watching. How about these apples?”

“Right. Question seven. Which of these punctuation marks can be found in an interrobang? Ampersand, pound sign, or question mark? This is one of those questions where it is nice to have paid attention in language arts class because you would know that the interro part of interrobang, stands for interrogative. That means it is conveying a question. An interrobang uses both a question mark and an exclamation point together to punctuate excited queries, such as OMG, DID YOU SEE THE ASS ON THAT GUY KAREN‽ Karen tragically didn’t see the ass on that guy, so Deborah had to watch the goods all by her lonely self. And it was such a nice, ripe ass, too. It jiggled a little with each step and Deborah couldn’t take her eyes off it. She practically burned a hole in that poor bastard’s pants with her concentrated gaze. Goddamnit Deborah, his eyes are up here!”

Dave shifts, as if he hadn’t just gone off on a tangent. “So anyways, question eight. Which of these countries celebrates Easter with both the Easter Bunny and the Easter Bilby? Sweden, Canada, or Australia. A bilby, or rabbit eared bandicoot, is a type of marsupial with a very long nose and very long ears and is super adorable. If you guessed Australia, then you guessed right. Bilby seems like an Australian sounding word. Bilby. Bilby. Billllby.” He shrugs. “Shit, we are down to 33k now and four questions left. Let’s do it.” 

“Question nine. The music of Rick Astley played a direct role in bringing down the leader of what country? Libya, Venezuela, or Panama.” He pauses, waits for the timer. “Back in the 80’s, Dictator Manuel Noriega got rick rolled from office due to US troops blasting “Never Gonna Give You Up” nonstop until he did give up and surrender as ruler of Panama.” Dave arches an eyebrow over his shades. “Never knew that song had such a rich history, huh? Now when you Rickroll folks like its 2007, you can tell them you are giving them the goddamn gift of education that you learned from yours truly.”

“Only three of these left. Question ten. Who owns the NFL record for consecutive playoff games with at least two touchdown passes? Joe Flacco, Joe Montana, or Tom Brady. Dave reaches back to rub the back of his neck as the timer runs out. Okay folks, I’m gonna be straight with you. Well…not straight, not anymore. I have admitted that much, ROSE. I am a goddamn ADULT. But anyways, I have no fucking idea who any of these joes or toms are. But the answer you are looking for is Joe Flacco. So, good on the 4,500 folks who got it.”

Dave brushes his away from his face. “Onto the penultimate question. Question eleven. The capital city of which country sits at the southernmost latitude? Uruguay, Madagascar, or Indonesia. Antananarivo is the capital of Madagascar and it is 18 degrees south. Jakarta is the capital of Indonesia and it is 6 degrees south. Montevideo is the capital of Uruguay and it sits at 34 degrees south, making it the answer to this question. Not gonna lie, that was a tough fucker. Or what I like to call a SAVAGE QUESTION.” He leans back from the camera and whistles. “We are down to 1,326 folks left in the game. I hope you got what it takes to answer this last one.”

Dave tilts his head forward. “You’ve made it this far and now we are on to the Final Round. Make it through this and you will finally get that sweet slice of pie you’ve been waiting for. Question twelve. According to an infamous ‘80s hoax, April Fool’s Day was created by a Roman court jester named what? Kugel, Constantine, or Boskin? In 1983 an AP reporter called this Boston University Professor dude named Boskin asking for the history of April Fool’s Day. Instead of being like, “Idk” Boskin makes up this whole stupid long story about Roman emperor Constantine who had appointed one of his jesters to be king for a day. That jester king declared that day to be forevermore dedicated to absurdity, calling it April Fool’s day. The name of the jester, or at least what Boskin shat out, was Kugel. And yoo we got 413 winners! 12.10 will be sent to your Paypal accounts. Enjoy yourself a nice discount movie, buy a couple pairs of socks, or maybe splurge on diet day with a fuckton of little debbies. Or you know what? Go to Village Inn and get yourself a goddamn slice of apple pie. I know I could really use one. Damn… Well since I know y’all love playing, HQ is on every day at 9pm and every weekday at 3pm. I might try to get Karkat on again sometime because that shit was hilarious, but otherwise you will see my flawless features tomorrow. Peace out.”


End file.
